Emotional Affair: Is it Worth it

by Alii Vella

Many will ask if an emotional affair is worth the hassle, and I can attest that it isn’t. However, the real question is not if the affair is worth it, because it is often not a matter of if you are going to find yourself in an emotional affair but when. The reason I say this is because the catalyst for an emotional affair always is, and always will be, the way that the individual that you are having the affair with either brings out a different side to you that you were unaware of or allows you to be yourself in ways that you are not comfortable being with your spouse. It is that simple. It is a rare occasion that the emotional affair is ever any more complex than that.

In a traditional affair it is not your emotions as much as your innate urges that cause you to cheat on your partner. Sexual infidelity is easy, it is there and you cannot avoid the temptation to walk away from the situation. Often the boundaries of the relationship are well understood and you can conveniently compartmentalize the relationship as though it does not even exist. As long as you treat the person with some level of respect they will leave you alone with any idea of commitment or are simply resigned to this sham of a relationship thinking that you aren’t good for one, seeing that you aren’t doing such a great job with your significant other to begin with. On occasion someone will get caught up, or perhaps that someone is you and you have hell to pay for it but that is a chance you were willing to take.

Many individuals on the wrong side of the equation are actually encouraged to spend time alone or out with someone else so that the individual who is engaged in activity with someone else is free to do what they want to do. Emotional affairs, however, are an entirely different beast because you may not even be aware that your time spent with this other individual is inappropriate. The problem with the emotional affair is that it is rarely that simple and you cannot compartmentalize your needs in the same way that you can with a sexual affair. The evidence of an affair where there is physical contact can be hidden away, but you have to deal with your feelings forever. You always want to be around that other person; you are always thinking about them and find yourself in a mild depression if you cannot get to them. You experience anxiety over this individual, everyone else in the office place or in your class at school thinks that it is funny, but those feelings are very real to you.

An emotional affair is never healthy because you find yourself trying to create the utopia of not having to deal with the person that you are supposed to be in a relationship with during the little bit of time that you have with the person you are having the affair with. The activities themselves are rather benign and trivial, but it is the intensity of the emotional experience that brings you back for more. You know that you are in trouble when you rely on that individual to get through the day or you become upset when they are talking about their personal life. You also know that you are in trouble when that person is upset with you; in particular if you are so close to your mate that rarely an hour or two goes by without some form of contact or communication. The most damning part of the fallout of an emotional affair is that you cannot go back to being friends with them once you have realized that you were never truly friends to begin with. The two of you danced around the fact of your true feelings for each other and now you are even more upset with each other than if you two were to simply partake of what each other had to offer sexually. It is often a test of your integrity and character if you cannot find a graceful way to get out of the situation, people look at you differently, and a lot of friends that you could have had – true, real friends – can never get past it and alienate you.

People find themselves in emotional affairs as a creative way to bridge the issues in their relationship that they do not even realize exist. Often individuals do not have the friendship that they thought they had with their significant other and the idea of having a true and pure friendship is what attracts them to the other individual to begin with. Once the honeymoon is over, the crush or infatuation has passed, the novelty gone, they begin to have the same problems with the person they are having an affair with that they do with their significant other at home. Emotional affairs can then become very stressful and anxiety-ridden, and one needs to find an exit strategy in order to get back to some semblance of their normal life. If they are fortunate they can do so amicably without incurring too much damage to the one they were cheating with.

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